Rough Stone Rolling

Converting Oneself One Day at a Time – A Mormon Blog

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Serenity Now!

January 15th, 2009 · 11 Comments

slow 

I hate slow.

Clumping through the ritual of waiting for others every day has etched deep, cankering grooves in my psyche. People insist on stepping in front of me only to walk at half my speed– sometimes less than half. How do they get anything done, practically loitering there in the path like they’re on a death march and trying to postpone the inevitable? Yes, you’re going to die. Have some decency, man, and don’t take me with you.

On the road, cars spontaneously slip in front of mine (no blinker required), only to proceed considerably slower than the speed I was enjoying just a moment before. You saw me coming, gauged my velocity– why are you inflicting such torment on me? Did I drown your puppy in a past life? There was no one behind me– why couldn’t you wait ’til I safely passed? And why one earth would anyone under 75 go 25 MPH in a 35 zone with no other traffic hindering them (okay, time’s up. pencils down)? They should be going 40. Get thee BEHIND me, you dogs!

And don’t get me started about buffet lines. You see the look of contempt you get if you try to pass one of those heavy thinkers? For heaven’s sake– take the peas, don’t take the peas! It isn’t like deciding whether to cut the red wire or the blue wire!

For the life of me, I don’t understand why there are countless scriptures extolling patience but hardly a peep about expedition.

“For the fast man is a friend to God. He getteth things done and has room to spare. He findeth his way and doth not tarry. He be quick to observe, quick to respond, quick to obey. God speed the right… God speed the right.”

I’m sure most– if not all– of these hapless minions are oblivious to their participation in Satan’s torture-by-dawdling campaign against me. They’re slow-witted innocents meandering around dreamily with lag-bombs duct-taped to them (armed with delayed triggers, of course), drifting in my direction.

In the meantime, I get to brush up on my patience skills.

And we’re walking… we’re walking…

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11 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Jim // Jan 16, 2009 at 8:04 pm

    This is all too familiar, but I’m sorry to say, I’m part of the torture squad. I’m slow and deliberate. Driving is a little different- I at least go the speed limit. But my general pace in life is slow, and the only reason I even notice this is that my wife is just the opposite. I’m sure I drive her crazy at times, but we slowpokes experience our own frustration with those that seem to have a need for speed in everything that they do….

  • 2 xoxoxoxo // Jan 17, 2009 at 3:59 am

    As a “fast lane” wife married to a “slow lane” husband, I can assure you that you do indeed make her crazy. It’s a given. :P

    BUT, I’m also sure that there are times she wishes she was like you, taker of time to smell the roses, appreciator of the sunset and all that. Most of the time my mind is thinking “I’ll have to hurry if I want to get those &^^%%$# roses trimmed before sundown…..”…

  • 3 Karron // Jan 17, 2009 at 6:06 am

    Having had the experience of walking and driving all over the world, I am here to say that slowpokes are around in epidemic proportions! The other side of the coin, so to speak, is the guy that just loves to tailgate, even when I am already going over the speed limit and there is a vehicle in front of me that is bigger, and not going any faster.

    One of my peeves are what we call ‘stand in the middle’ people. You know the type, they stop right smack in the middle of the aisle, street, sidewalk, or hallway and have a chat over nonsense while you are waiting to get around them. But no matter which way you go, they move with you. Look, chat all you want, but get to one side or another and let people get around you!

    I go slow, I usually have a cane, or on bad days, a walker, and I don’t have a lot of choice about going fast. (bum leg, bad hips) So I am very aware of being in the way and do my best to stay as far to the side as possible. But even with my snail pace, there is always someone who stops suddenly and I nearly trip over them trying avoid them.

    Life is filled with frustration. . . it is hard to learn to go from type A personality to type B without making yourself crazy. But, I have managed.

  • 4 Diana // Jan 20, 2009 at 11:49 pm

    Thanks for the laugh. It’s all so true. I needed the humor today. Although, I laughed out loud and for, like, ten minutes straight when Chief Justice John Roberts botched the presidential oath. Dude, how hard is it? Classic moment.

  • 5 David // Jan 21, 2009 at 12:09 am

    Karron,

    Great point with the Middle-Earth folks. For me, the worst transgressors are in the ward. You’re trying to make your way to the chapel exit after sacrament meeting, and there they stand: “Omigosh! It’s so good to see you!! How’s Sally?” I feel like I need a machete just to get to Sunday School.

    Diana,

    Yeah, poor Roberts. It’s like giving the St. Crispin’s Day speech and your fly’s open.

  • 6 Karron // Jan 21, 2009 at 4:49 am

    I hear that David. But since I am the brand spanking new Gospel Doctrine teacher, I don’t get out of the chapel until Relief Society so I get to miss most of that. And I am the first one out the door when church is over and in my car before most of the ward gets out of the rooms they are in. I don’t linger, and I don’t chat, I want to get home, eat lunch, and have a nap since our ward starts at nine in the morning.

    Like that term, middle earth folks. Gonna steal that if you don’t mind.

  • 7 cheryl // Jan 22, 2009 at 4:40 pm

    David-
    I just got back from a week in London, and I tell you –You Belong in London! I have never, in my life, seen so many people hell-bent on getting somewhere FAST. Of course, I’ve never been to NYC, so it could be like that there, too, but honestly? It was insane! People literally RUNNING everywhere in their suits and heels; the mothers with their children dashing here and there –everybody was in such a rush to get somewhere. Escalators? Makes us go faster! Yes! Run up the escalators!

    I was just glad I knew where to walk to get out of their way, and wondered what life would be like having to always be running to get places.

    Of course, when it comes to driving –I’m with you. I passed a woman going 20 in a 25 yesterday (it was on my long street) because I couldn’t stand it anymore…

  • 8 cheryl // Jan 22, 2009 at 4:41 pm

    P.S. Oh, and thanks for the Mr. Constanza visual. :)

  • 9 David // Jan 22, 2009 at 5:02 pm

    Cheryl–

    Yet another reason why I’m an Anglophile! Yes, the pedestrian traffic in NYC has the same attitude about it– I love it. Our family left NY when I was 10, and most of my older childhood was spent in semi-rural areas of Long Island, but somehow the gene must have preserved itself in the alabaster of my nature. People want their food faster, their Internet, their dry cleaning, their shipping services… why do they dawdle themselves?? What kind of cruel parents taught them that shuffling in the grocery aisle,
    stopping in the middle of a crowded walkway, or turning into a parking lot or side street with all the liveliness of docking a battleship, was favorable behavior?

  • 10 David // Jan 22, 2009 at 5:04 pm

    P.S. I love Frank and Estelle Costanza. Estelle is my mom and Frank is my alter ego.

  • 11 Journalista // Feb 5, 2009 at 9:28 am

    My husband’s and my favorite Seinfeld quote! We say it quite often in our house when his ex-wife get feisty…LOL…

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