When I turned 40 I started attending an “old school” gym (formerly a Vic Tanny’s) occupied mostly by seniors– serious codgers whose rough, ropy, tanned bodies bore testimony of a lifetime of free weight worship. The oldest among them was a guy named Nick who in his 80’s still trained sweet, young thangs that probably felt more comfortable and productive in our leather strap and leaky pipe environment than the slick modernity of a Bally’s. I loved the sanctuary of the gym, too, and would go 4 days a week, blowing 2 hours a day on the Stairmaster and a variety of medieval torture devices, and bonded with the old boys. Nick would talk of his days as Robert Mitchum’s personal trainer, how he visited him in jail when the actor had been pinched for reefer and Nick trained him in his cell. At the time, I also became a religious imbiber of Speed Stacker, a potent concoction loaded with ephedrine and caffeine (how the heck do you think I lasted 2 hours?). Every morning I’d stand in the locker room in my torn black midriff t-shirt, black shorts, black leather weightlifting belt and black leather fingerless gloves, guzzle down one of those bad boys and bask in its surging glow as it coarsed through my body before the workout. As you might imagine, my new lifestyle reaped quick results and for about a year I rode the wave of intense, masochistic pleasure and gratifying compliments.
Alas, all good things must come to an end, and so was the case of my gym. When ownership changed hands, the new people decided the place needed a facelift, including a pounding sound system and new weight machines. The old guys hated it and, one by one, faded away. Nick died shortly thereafter and a new urban crowd moved in claiming the territory. On top of that, ephedrine became illegal and Speed Stacker tried to pass itself off as more natural (translation: wimpy). There were changes in my schedule as well, and it became impractical to keep up the routine. I eventually quit altogether.
I never lost my taste for energy drinks, though. For a long time my brew of choice had been Sugar-Free Rock Star, a high-octane cocktail which came in a tall Colt .45 Malt Liquor-ish can. Miss D. even couldn’t help stealing sips of that one. It preyed on my passion for large intakes of liquid, though, and such bodacious doses made me chez prickly. I also liked Coke BlāK, which is smoky & delicious, but very hard to find, and because its measly 8 ounces were no match for the 20-ouncers the others offered, I soon let that one go, too. Most recently I’ve taken a shining (“come and play with us, Davey… play with us forever…”) to Glaceau’s Vitamin Energy, from the same people who brought you Vitamin Water. A svelte 16 ounces, it boasts natural stimulants and key nutrients, and one can take comfort in knowing they’re getting their minimum daily requirement of vitamins & iron as they get in the mood to play “Flight of the Bumblebee” on the spoons.
I’m sure there’s something touching on the “spirit of the law” when it comes to these energy drinks, but until the powers-that-be get granular about it– like they did about California Proposition 8– I’ll be slow to repent my beloved beverage, my morning glory, my forbidden jungle fever love (The irony that my favorite Glaceau flavor is “Dragonfruit” didn’t go unnoticed). It does, after all, keep me dialing all those slackers to go to the temple. He doth work in mysterious ways…
Now if I could only get back on that Stairmaster.
10 responses so far ↓
1 xoxoxo // Jul 17, 2008 at 4:46 pm
Good to have you back Captain Caffeine! Very few things make me laugh out loud in this world…Jeff Dunham’s puppets, the new TV show Big Bang Theory, and you ala the pictorials you paint in my head with phrases like “to play Flight of the Bumblebee on the spoons”. But then, I suspect that one only finds funny what one vividly relates to.
I’m right there with ya on finding certain beverages to be nectar of the Gods, but I no longer live in DenialWorld and know that such concoctions are not the nectar of MY God. This is because the powers that be have been nothing but clear on the subject of bringing the flesh into submission to the spirit, addictive substances and moderation no matter how many vitamins and minerals you mix with them. *eg*
But hey, don’t let that spoil your buzz bro!
2 David // Jul 18, 2008 at 12:01 am
Of all the beverages in the 7-11 thou mayest freely drink…
(can you feel the “but” coming?)
3 xoxoxo // Jul 18, 2008 at 12:54 am
Yes, and the more soda I drink, the bigger that “but” becomes……
4 Karron // Jul 18, 2008 at 9:48 pm
Honestly, this is the first LDS Blog I have found that makes me laugh out loud. As for being addicted to a beverage, give me that diet Doctor Pepper. I know, I know . . . Not a good choice. But Hey, I live in the South, the only other good drink around here is Iced Tea . . . by the gallons. Oh, and of course tasteless water. What’s a girl to do?
5 David // Jul 18, 2008 at 10:28 pm
Karron,
Hey, if DDP’s the worst you can do, I say you’re ahead of the game. I myself was a diet Coke junkie for decades until I went on the wagon… (drumroll, please)… Jan. 1 of this year. Actually I gave up soda altogether and my beloved DC was the collateral damage. It wasn’t easy; I’m thinking about writing my story for Lifetime.
BTW, welcome to the blog and thank you for the kind words.
6 xoxoxoxo // Jul 20, 2008 at 3:41 am
Um….hate to point this out Dave…but one 16 oz Diet Rockstar contains 3.5 TIMES the amount of caffeine as a 12 oz Diet Coke hon…(and more caffeine than a cup of brewed/drip coffee. (she says slyly sliding the tiny burr under his skin…muhuhahaha)
Just lookin out of you…ya know?
Karron,
I agree 100%. This is one of da “cool” blogs, even if its master is NOT cool to anyone but us. He makes me laugh so often and so unexpectedly that we’re Saran Wrapped the keyboard on the desk top. *g*
And you just HAD to bring up iced tea….sigh. My dad used to brew “sun tea” in an old gallon jar in the summertime when it was hot and dry. The hubby and I were talking about it last night over dinner and I was “a hankerin sump’un fierce, I tell you what”.
7 David // Jul 20, 2008 at 4:36 am
skippy,
Um…hate to point this out hon, but I didn’t give up diet Coke for the caffeine; I gave up soda. Before the abstinence I’d drink up Double Gulps like I was sucking air– remember how I said I had a passion for large intakes of liquid? And I gave up the Rock Star first, so neener-neener!
Today my large intakes consist of Pellegrino, Perrier and water on the rocks with splashes of grape juice. The Vitamin Energy is my “one cup in the morning.”
That burr under my skin… his name wouldn’t be Raymond, by chance, would it?
8 xoxoxo // Jul 21, 2008 at 5:20 pm
ROFL-the “burr” is being assimilated by the borg and no longer talks the talk he used to.
Pellegrino and Perrier? Do you drink it in a slender crystal flute with your pinkie in the air? No wonder it took so long for your state to put out the fires…one can only twist off the caps so fast…*ducks*
Gotta be weaning myself off the Coke/Pepsi. I’ve grown WAY too fond of it and because I’m already a “low intake” liquid person by nature, it is squeezing out any “pure” water intake completely. Uggg. I hate rehab.
9 David // Jul 21, 2008 at 5:39 pm
Ha! If you could only see me crudely swigging my big bottles of Pellegrino, all visions of flutes and pinkies would dart out the window than a gaggle of flying monkeys. And you with your Coke/Pepsi intake… do you hold your belly and belch out words between gulps? Yes, rehab sucks. I usually do it cold turkey and the first few days are a living hell with pounding headaches.
10 Jonathan Mahoney // Jul 21, 2008 at 6:43 pm
Man, to do it right you gotta hit the gym 6 days a week 3 hours a day.
Then you’re a real man. And when (not if) you get back to the gym, lose the gloves, get some man hands. 
I’m in the same club as you, I have a passion for drinking and drinking and drinking… a lot. I usually stick with water drinking 4-8 litres a day at my prime but occasionally I’ll grab a 2 litre pop and drink in 3o minutes-1hour.
Good times. Not trying to brag or anything because I know my Dad can put down 2 L of Pepsi in no more than 10 minutes. Haha.
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