A friend who’s usually predominantly vocal in Gospel Doctrine was unusually quiet today. Afterward, I teased her about it and asked why this was. She told me the lesson made her think about a friend of hers, a woman who’s roots were “related to half the Mormon population” but who was never a member herself. She wears a little cross around a neck because she’s a self-proclaimed Christian. “I could never be a Mormon,” she told my friend, “because your church doesn’t believe in reincarnation.” The woman found a priestess who told her she (the woman) had climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro in a past life, and that excited her. “But,” my friend countered, “no Christian faith believes in reincarnation. How do you explain the resurrection?” “I know,” said the woman, “it’s a dilemma.”
I’ve been thinking about the dilemmas members create for themselves. Not the dilemmas of those who say the Church is true and then argue against its tenets (though a leading pet peeve). This time I’m referring to the garden-variety dichotomy of us who pronounce faith in Christ and His Gospel, but then freely sin, reflexively and non-reflexively (reflexively being something like swearing when you burn your hand; non-reflexively like when you screen your calls and choose not to pick up for someone who might be in a bad way, but you don’t feel like “dealing with it”). I don’t dare count how many mistakes I make in a day. If I did, it would totally funk me out. At least the woman who thinks she scaled some African rock in the 1600’s has more of an excuse for being an idiot than I do.
It’s a sad thing to think how many members of the Church fall into depression. All that truth in their hands and they still don’t know how to be happy, how to obtain eternal life. They slump in their chairs and say to themselves, “I’m not good enough.” “I’m not a worthy priesthood holder.” “I’m not a good parent.” “I can’t be the wife and mother I’m supposed to be.” This is where Satan is particularly clever, because it’s all true– we aren’t good enough. We are unworthy. Because we’re not perfect. The only way we can do all those things is if we humbly beg forgiveness and ask for the Lord’s help. That’s when we become good enough. To put it another way: The key to eternal happiness is submission to the Lord’s will. All the rest is window dressing. Stumble, repent, repeat.
Something in Talmage’s “Jesus the Christ” recently caught my attention, though:
The Eternal Father well understood the diverse natures and varied capacities of His spirit-offspring; and His infinite foreknowledge made plain to Him, even in the beginning, that in the school of life some of His children would succeed and others would fail; some would be faithful, others false; some would choose the good, others the evil; some would seek the way of life while others would elect to follow the road to destruction. He further foresaw that death would enter the world, and that the possession of bodies by His children would be of but brief individual duration. He saw that His commandments would be disobeyed and His law violated; and that men, shut out from His presence and left to themselves, would sink rather than rise, would retrograde rather than advance, and would be lost to the heavens.
Chapter 3, “The Need of a Redeemer,” Jesus the Christ - James Talmage
Heavenly Father knows each of us well enough to know how we’d react in a certain situation. He’d know which children would probably “elect to follow the road to destruction.” Many of these were born in harsh environments– would it have been wrong to send them down to better times and places? Was everyone sent down in the most favorable time for their spirit, the best time and place for them to get the chance to choose the right? Millions of our brothers and sisters died miserably, wishing they had never lived. Their spirits left the planet deeply sooted by their circumstances. Would it have made a difference where and when they arrived? I’d like to believe we’re placed where we are for our best opportunities. A definitive reference to this would be nice…
So, the wife flew off to Utah Friday morning to meet her sisters for the youngest’s birthday. This of course would include chick vids, shopping and laying around pushing each other’s buttons. I’m so happy families weren’t invited. It left Miss D. and me to fend for ourselves. Wreak havoc. Raise Cain. Tango the night away. Or, in this case, watch Nancy Drew and Mean Girls until midnight. Then Saturday morning after ballet class and D’s dental check-up (no cavities, thanks for asking), we did a little shopping ourselves.
Now when I go clothes shopping with the Mrs., it’s performing an unnatural act. If it’s to get me clothes, I’m held hostage in the dressing room as outfits are thrown ten-at-a-time over the door for me to try on. Then, like a 6-year old, I have to step out and show her how each one looks. When it’s shopping for her, forget about it. “I’ll be in Barnes & Noble. Call me when you’re done.” Three hours later, when I’d finally surrendered to the food court, I’ll get that call. My wife also has a habit of buying seven outfits, knowing fully well five are going back. She buys them and then thinks about them, and then back they go– sometimes months later. I dunno… it might be a woman thing, but my mom never shopped like that. And I’d put down serious money her mom never shopped like that.
When Miss D. and I went to the mall this morning, on the other hand, she knew exactly what she wanted– a green shirt for school on St. Patty’s Day and a pair of school-regulation navy blue shorts. So we went to Abercrombie (D’s favorite store), found her a kelly baby doll top and navy shorts with a cute waist tie– then went to the food court together. Badda-bing, badda-boom. Note to self: Feign surprise when wife gets mad at you for shopping at Abercrombie. Afterward we went to see “Horton Hears a Who” (ugh, you gotta stay upwind of that one), and bonded on the way home:
Miss D: I can’t wait to get out of Primary.
Dad: Really, how come?
Miss D: Sister C– gets up in front of us and says (”special” voice), ‘All right, let’s all read from the Friend. And then I want you to tell me what you think it means to you.’ Then she whispers the answers to the little kids, and when they repeat them, she gives them a cookie.
Dad: (Bursts out laughing)
Miss D: Yeah, right?
My daughter turns 12 in three weeks and, as social circumstances exist, she’s having two parties: One at the Marina del Rey Ritz Carlton with three school chums, and the other at Build-a-Bear with church buds. It’s kind of poetic, really, a living Kodak commercial. Part young woman, part little girl. She likes boys, and still cuddles her favorite baby doll. It’s killing me, y’know? I want to start over. Do it all over again.
Maybe in the next life.
12 responses so far ↓
1 Jonathan Mahoney // Mar 18, 2008 at 8:30 pm
Haha, I love how the intro and conclusion correspond. Haha. I feel your posts are almost a journal entry. I’m not exactly sure what your mission statement for the site is. But, regardless, I enjoy reading your thoughts. I long to be a father. I look forward to that more than anything else in my life, I believe. It’s awesome to read parents inner feelings regarding their children. It makes me realize that my parents must have had a lot of similar feelings during my life. Cool.
I think it’d be pretty annoying to have your wife basically dressing you like that, but I admit I can’t remember a time I didn’t get my mom or girlfriend to check something out before I bought it.
An awkward moment it is walking out of the dressing room with tags hanging off you and trying to discuss the clothing with an audience.
2 Jim // Mar 18, 2008 at 9:20 pm
David,
Your comment about reflexive/non-reflexive sin reminds me of one of my favorite quotes by CS Lewis. It’s about “rats in the cellar.” Maybe you are familiar with it. If you’d like a link to it, let me know.
About being born into different circumstances, it is fairly common to hear that the most valiant spirits were reserved to come forth in these last days. As we know though, in Heavenly Father’s perfect plan, all will have an equal opportunity, if not in this life, then in the next. So, to me, although I consider it a tremendous blessing to be alive when the gospel is restored in its fulness and to be able to enjoy the blessings that I do, at the same time it is a huge resposibility. With knowledge comes accountability. I think too often we (in general) forget the mercy and love that is extended to us and instead focus on the many things that are required and expected of us. In this mode, it is not surprising that some are overwhelmed, discouraged, etc.
Sounds like you had a great time with your daughter- you are a much more fun dad than me!
3 David // Mar 18, 2008 at 11:47 pm
Jonathan,
Exactly, man. Standing there in your socks with tags all over the pants– and the people around look at you, too! What’s up with that? I like shopping for clothes alone… only I don’t trust my taste enough to do it.
4 David // Mar 19, 2008 at 12:24 am
Jim,
Yes, send me the link. I always enjoyed C.S. Lewis’ perspective.
Thank you for reminding me that we all get the equal chance in the spirit world. I did know that, but seeing the inequality on earth makes me think I’m spoiled rotten.
A much more fun dad or a bigger pushover?
5 Jim // Mar 19, 2008 at 1:11 am
David,
The quote is from Mere Christianity: http://yourdailycslewis.blogspot.com/2005/06/rats-in-cellar.html.
I have a 10 year old girl, and I know what you mean about pushover….
6 xoxoxoxo // Mar 19, 2008 at 2:38 am
I don’t shop with my husband for clothing-his OR mine. Not enough therapists in the world to fix the results I’m afraid.
(Jim-as a C.S.Lewis fan, the rats thing is a great visual ain’t it? ) But I think sometimes we are harder on ourselves than God will be. If “sin” is defined as “willful disobedience to God’s commandments” then I think you’d have to look inside of yourself (when that phone rings with the caller you don’t want to face) and ask “Did I have a human/tired/emotional/weak response to that call or did I willfully defy God just then?”
To me, willful implies a stubbornness, a dig-your -heels- in and refuse to conform sort of mentality and I think being weak is different than being willful. Of course we should try to always choose the right thing, and devote our conscious thoughts to becoming better people. But mistakes and sins are two different things to me-and I think not understanding (or believing) that is the root of much of the depression we suffer from.
In response to your earlier comment-
“I’d like to believe we’re placed where we are for our best opportunities. A definitive reference to this would be nice…” here are a couple of statements.
Encyclopedia of Mormonism-
“Latter-day Saints further believe that the times, places, and circumstances of birth into mortality may be the outcome of former covenants and decisions as well as that which would be best, in divine wisdom, to provide both opportunities and challenges for the individual’s growth and development. Additionally, foreordination may also be based on God’s own purposes and plans to bless all of his children. The specifics of these factors remain unclear.”
He doeth not anything save it be for the benefit of the world; for he loveth the world (2 Nephi 26:24).
“When in situations of stress we wonder if there is any more in us to give, we can be comforted to know that God, who knows our capacity perfectly, placed us here to succeed. No one was foreordained to fail or to be wicked.” (Neal A Maxwell in But for a Small Moment)
7 David // Mar 19, 2008 at 4:52 pm
Jim,
Thank you for the link. I’ll look it over when I have time to do it properly.
xoxoxoxo,
While I agree there is a difference between bald-face rebellion and weakness, I think it all falls under the heading of sin. Were a member to have a “weakness for” Internet porn or reflexively taking the Lord’s name in vain, that’s not going to be looked upon with any less disdain than, say, someone who shoplifts a candy bar. The weaknesses, like not picking up the phone for someone who needs you, are not really mistakes as much as poor judgement– willful wrong choices (taking the easier path is the same as willful in my book). A mistake considered to be more forgivable would be, like, taking a sip from a glass you thought was yours, but turned out to be your neighbor’s screwdriver. And if you really wanted to go to the extreme, even a mistake as horrible as backing your car and running over your child because you thought they were in the house, and killing them, is more forgivable than screening your call so you didn’t have to talk to someone who needed comforting. The first was a mistake, the second a sin. Ironically, the first scars you for the rest of your mortal life and the second you forget in a couple of days. Funny how that works.
8 xoxoxoxo // Mar 20, 2008 at 12:24 am
David,
I can see where you are coming from, and I am not in total disagreement, I just have a different perspective I guess.
In Encyclopedia of Mormonism under sin it says:
“God does not hold one responsible for wrong done in ignorance or harm done to others unintentionally, because such actions do not constitute sin. One’s ignorance, immaturity, or even recklessness may injure others, and individuals may be accountable for the consequences they help to bring about. But in such situations, where there is no ill intent, there is no sin. This does not mean that people who do wrong in ignorance do not suffer, perhaps physically or in their relationships with others. Moreover, when one becomes aware of having contributed to problems, it usually would be considered sin to avoid making amends or to refuse to help correct the difficulties created.”
In my mind it is immature and whiny to see the caller ID and groan and think “I just can’t deal with this today” but it isn’t necessarily a sin to me. It would be if your INTENT was to avoid being helpful or your thoughts carried with them “ill will”-such as “Oh I wish that person would just DIE so they couldn’t bug me any more”. I think sin requires informed intent to act in opposition to divine law and has more to do with the state of our hearts and the purpose behind our actions-rather than just split second, emotional reactions.
For instance, you said “A mistake considered to be more forgivable would be, like, taking a sip from a glass you thought was yours, but turned out to be your neighbor’s screwdriver.” To me-there’s nothing to forgive at all. That was an accident, as is your car/child example. An “accident” is an unfortunate or undesirable event that is unintentional/unexpected that causes harm, injury or loss. Accidents are not sins because no evil intent was present.
The word mistake is defined as an “error” in judgment, or understanding-and while the definition assumes a cognitive thought process or calculation (albeit a poor one) an “error” is defined as an “unintentional deviation from rightness or truth.”
Sin is deliberate and intentional, not accidental or residual. A reflex is something done without volition or conscious control-and while swearing isn’t a good thing and should be curbed and controlled, unless you MEAN to be offensive and rude when you burn your hand and say it, I don’t think it qualifies as outright sin. If you use expletives day in and day out with an intent to impress, intimidate, offend etc-then it becomes a sin.
I really don’t mean to be splitting hairs here, just trying to type out what my heart/head is trying to say. But I think Satan LOVES to convince us that mistakes and errors are sins so that we feel as if we can’t please the Lord at all because of our wickedness so why even bother? Something tells me he gets an even bigger kick out of us turning away from the Lord and the gospel because we view what are really mistakes/errors as SINS than he does when we actually DO sin. It saves him a lot of work.
9 David // Mar 20, 2008 at 1:49 am
I agree, Satan would like us to feel guilty about every little error and drag ourselves down– and perhaps it’s the old Catholic guilt talking–or the ancient Tribe of Judah guilt. But, I think in the example of the person who screens their calls, it’s choosing the self before others, and that’s contrary to following Christ. Hence, a sin. Thank goodness I don’t have to be the judge.
But let’s take a look at the other side of the coin– readily forgiving ourselves for any slight. It makes me think of 2 Nephi 28:8:
“And there shall also be many which shall say: Eat, drink, and be merry; nevertheless, fear God—he will justify in committing a little sin; yea, lie a little, take the advantage of one because of his words, dig a pit for thy neighbor; there is no harm in this; and do all these things, for tomorrow we die; and if it so be that we are guilty, God will beat us with a few stripes, and at last we shall be saved in the kingdom of God.”
This is the kind of thinking I don’t want to get trapped in.
10 xoxoxoxo // Mar 21, 2008 at 5:37 pm
Oh I totally agree, and I’m just as hard on myself as you are. I just often wonder if I’m harder on myself than Christ will be-and wouldn’t that be a sin too-looking beyond the mark? Trying to be MORE just than divine justice?
You’ll note in the verse you quoted the word “sin” is used-not “slight”…even in your comments you denote a difference between two things. Lying, taking advantage of another, digging a pit for a neighbor-those are all conscious actions that have followed conscious thoughts and decisions of ill intent.
I re-read your original comment about the phone screener-and as you stated it, yes, it would be a sin. In my mind I pictured more of someone glancing at the caller ID and not picking up based on their current energy/mental level rather than someone who has decided previously NOT to answer a call from a certain person.
But I think there are also extenuating qualifications in that circumstance as well. Is the person calling REALLY in NEED? Would the act of avoiding that call bring suffering or distress on its own? Or is this person a “needy” individual that brings much of their suffering and chaos upon themselves? Even the Lord states He grows “weary” of the whining and pleading of his misguided children and punishes them eventually. Yes, we should be loving and tolerant and willing to serve our fellow men who genuinely need us, even when we might not be sure there is a real need. But there are times when we KNOW the need isn’t real or that our service is not required and the Lord taught us how to judge righteously for a reason. Enabling someone to continue in unhealthy or alienating behavior just to avoid a guilty conscience is as self serving and “me” centered as any other sin to me.
11 David // Mar 22, 2008 at 12:38 am
xoxoxoxo,
But there are times when we KNOW the need isn’t real or that our service is not required and the Lord taught us how to judge righteously for a reason.
Yeah… and then there are those who always NEED the help but when it’s given, it’s dismissed offhandedly and then they come back saying they really need help! AAUUGGHH!! I’ll say it– I hate dealing with nut cases who are just looking for the attention. It’s a waste of my valuable time, it’s a waste of the Lord’s time, and it’s a total waste of their souls. That’s it– I’m screening my calls.
12 xoxoxoxo // Mar 25, 2008 at 2:16 am
ROFL!!!
And wasting your time, the Lord’s time and their souls really IS a sin…you GO boy!
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