Rough Stone Rolling

I’m always at odds with myself and this frustrates me to no end. My spirit is a chaotic WWF uber-war with Playfully Irreverent Dave, I’ll-Do-What-I-Want Dave and Dark Dave coming down with folding chairs and elbow strikes upon Embrace-the-Light Dave, CTR Dave and Devout Dave. I’ve tried to persuade myself this is just Independent Dave trying to make peace with Obedient Dave, but at the end of the day I’m beaten and dispirited, and like the old former-Private James Francis Ryan I suppress sobs and ask my Companion within me, “Am I a good man? Tell me I have been a good man.” Because, standing in my own metaphorical cemetery overlooking Omaha beach, I am haunted by the intent gaze of the Savior who, like Tom Hanks, is telling me, “Earn it.”

Every time I slip into Natural Dave I feel regret and concern later. Self-dislike. I think of Joseph Smith’s words:

“But when this fact is admitted, that the immediate will of heaven is contained in the Scriptures, are we not bound as rational creatures to live in accordance to all its precepts? Will the mere admission that this is the will of heaven ever benefit us if we do not comply with all its teachings? Do we not offer violence to the Supreme Intelligence of heaven when we admit the truth of its teachings and do not obey them? Do we not descend below our own knowledge, and the better wisdom which heaven has endowed us with, by such a course of conduct? For these reasons, if we have direct revelations given us from heaven, surely those revelations were never given to be trifled with, without the trifler’s incurring displeasure and vengeance upon his own head if there is any justice in heaven; and that there is must be admitted by every individual who admits the truth and force of God’s teachings, His blessings and cursings, as contained in the sacred volume…

O ye Twelve! And all Saints! Profit by this important Key—that in all your trials, troubles, temptations, afflictions, bonds, imprisonments and death, see to it, that you do not betray heaven; that you do not betray Jesus Christ; that you do not betray the brethren; that you do not betray the revelations of God, whether in the Bible, Book of Mormon, or Doctrine & Covenants, or any other that ever was or ever will be given and revealed unto man in this world or that which is to come.”

History of the Church 3:385; Joseph Smith - July 12, 1839

And then I start making a laundry list of my transgressions that day, and sigh.

So it begs the question, how much of this pressure I’m experiencing is the Light of Christ or Spirit, or whatever, reacting to my divergence and urging me to stick to the straight and narrow path, and how much is this just me– along with the adversary– bringing on this sense of alarm and missing the mark.

Recently, in a Deseret News article about learning from those outside the Church, Gordon Hinckley was quoted saying,

“A single phrase from the Koran describes Satan as “the whisperer,” and for the rest of my life I will ever have that image of Satan and his minions lurking beside me constantly whispering falsehoods in an attempt to deceive.”

My only reasonable conclusion is that I’m experiencing a potent cocktail of the Spirit and the whispering falsehoods, like some bad Flintstones episode where Angel Fred and Devil Fred spar on the shoulders of Confused Fred. Hence, why I am so beaten and dispirited at the end of the day. And so I just plow forward; praying, seeking acts of service; monitoring and curbing my behavior, my attitude, the urges to rest on my laurels– hoping this is what the road to eternal life is.

Wilma!!