Once or twice a month a SuperLotto pool is held in my office where around a hundred of us throw in our dollars in hopes of getting in on the big money. Not that I expect to win; this is more insurance money in case we do win and I won’t be left out of the potentially liberating score. Some reading this might say it isn’t right for me to gamble, and to them I solemnly pledge that if I do hit the jackpot, I won’t tithe on cent of the ill-gotten gains. Frankly in my opinion, spending $1-2 a month on this futile venture is hardly gambling. There is no hope of winning, there is only “just-in-case.”
As I strive to be a better person, more conscientious about Church and fellowman, knowing that I’m still selfish is a difficult pill to swallow. Despite the additional hours I’ve put into my calling, home teaching, temple attendance, Church-family activities, volunteering for service opps, etc., a part of me knows that I’m just doing it for myself, for my own salvation. In fact, isn’t it bizarre how the whole obedience/blessing dynamic is presented as an opportunity to be selfless but, in fact, preys upon our selfishness? The only thing in my mind that sets it apart from other acts of selfishness is, there is no carnal gratification, no payoff to our natural desires. It’s like the Lotto—it’s insurance.
And yet, acknowledging this, I’m still driven to serve, and with each service I find it easier to relent to the next opportunity. There’s an undefined empowerment that accompanies each act, though, and I feel tuned, buoyed, solidified. I suspect there’s a point where thoughts of self fade with continuing service until it morphs into pure selfless thought, but for me– for now– this falls somewhere on the imaginary timeline close to “buy summer home” and “pose for boudoir photo.” Meanwhile, in those moments when you get the call, and you inwardly groan, and your mind races for excuses, the self-reproval and guilt propel you with the selfish thought, “Gotta do this. Gotta be good. Gotta get to heaven.”
That isn’t to say I don’t enjoy any of the service– there’s plenty of ego-gratifying stuff that goes on. Okay, it goes beyond ego– the more I serve, on a deep level I sense confirmation of my direction. It’s not exactly the same feeling as when the Spirit witnesses to me; it’s more like my compass locks in (like I said, “undefined empowerment). I also find the burden of tasks to be lighter and it’s almost as if my own spirit is trying to take flight within my body. I get these impressions in fleeting, peripheral glimmers, just enough encourage me to urge on.
Meanwhile, the selfish thoughts of preservation and salvation continue to haunt me: Obedience brings freedom.
And SuperLotto is currently sitting at $122 million.
6 responses so far ↓
1 Jim // Feb 7, 2008 at 3:09 am
I hope you (the pool) do win the lotto- that would be cool!
After thinking about this for a while, in my mind, what it comes down to is being able to do the right things for the right reasons. Our desires/motives are key. And I think it has a lot to do with aligning our will to Heavenly Father’s- submitting our will to His. The theory seems simple, but I think actually putting it into practice is a little more tricky.
2 xoxoxoxo // Feb 8, 2008 at 7:05 am
Jim-
I think that God is big on “practice” just like I am with my own kids. I know that they RARELY want to do the “right” thing or even the thing that would benefit them the most as much as I want them to do it…but the fact that they DO it is often a kind of “practice”…once said thing becomes a habit-it often becomes something we like to do-or look forward to. THEN we do it for the right reasons…but I think there is much to be gained even for doing right things for the wrong reasons…at least at first. We still get credit for doing “right”.
David-
No intended post-jack-but after a little “light” reading, can I just hug you for not forcing me to pick gnat wings out of my teeth or hack camel hair up???*big evil grin* Your blog is a breath of fresh air-seriously.
Will be moving for the next few days *gag* so might not be able to read ya (which I will miss) or comment at novel length (which I’m sure YOU will miss…not) for a while. Was blessed to find our dream home AND buyers for the old one in today’s real estate market and jumped at the chance…my heart’s prayer is that we are doing this for the “right” reasons rather than for the “selfish” reasons you ’splained so well. Now I’m feeling guilt…you aren’t Jewish by heritage are you?
3 David // Feb 8, 2008 at 5:36 pm
xoxoxoxo,
I guess you could say I’m of Jewish heritage. Apparently I’m from the Tribe of Judah and my mother is of Lebanese descent. So… mazel tov for your dream home acquisition!
4 xoxoxoxo // Feb 8, 2008 at 5:53 pm
ROFL!!! I was kidding about the Jewish thing, but congrats on not being a mudblood!!! I’m married to a Judah myself (literally according to his blessing AND family). I thought his father was going to high five the patriarch DURING the blessing-oy. His mother is also of Cuban descent-a regular UN they are.
Thanks for the well wishes. If none of the kids end up stuffed in a box and packed into the attic I’ll call it a successful decision…the “Jew” on the other hand is already stressing over the new mortgage payment.
5 Jim // Feb 8, 2008 at 7:05 pm
xoxoxoxo:
Thanks for your comment- I appreciate and enjoy your insights. I agree 100% that it is all about practice, doing our best, etc. There was only one that was perfect in this life, and for the rest of us, although we try, it will take a little bit longer than mortality to get there.
Two scriptures come to mind: one is in Mosiah, where we are taught by King Benjamin not to judge the beggar, but to impart freely to those in need. And for the poor that cannot help the beggar, “I would that ye say in your hearts that: I give not because I have not, but if I had I would give.” We shouldn’t view this as some divine loophole, but this gives me some comfort that we will be judged not purely by our actions and results but more importantly by the intent of our hearts.
The other scripture that I like on this topic is Moroni 7: 5-9.
About practice, although I think that is important, I think we also have be careful to not deceive ourselves into thinking that we somehow earn our way to heaven by ourselves, by our own merits. By ourselves, we merit nothing. It is only through the grace, mercy, and Atonement of Christ that we have any hope, and speaking for myself, I need to rely more fully on him.
Somehow the magic happens when we turn ourselves (our will) over to Heavenly Father and let him change our hearts. Again, easier said than done, and perhaps this is what we need to practice.
Hope your move goes well!
6 xoxoxoxo // Feb 9, 2008 at 1:27 am
I LOVE King Benjamin-I can’t wait to meet him someday. I love his comment that if we spent every second of our lives attempting to gain the kingdom of heaven and serve God-we would STILL be unprofitable-defined as unable to increase our own value in any way of significance. The mercy and love of God is the only thing that improves who we are and what we are worth and submission to His will and His way is the only thing we have to give Him in return.
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