The other day I was driving somewhere with my 11-year old daughter. After a while of silence, she said, “Dad? What if I don’t want to go on a mission?”
I said, “Honey, I don’t want you to go on a mission.”
She got suddenly indignant. “Why not?!”
I shrugged. “Just don’t.”
“What’s wrong with me going on a mission?”
“I thought you said you didn’t want to go.”
“Just tell me!”
What can I say? I was having fun.
If you’ve read some of my past entries, you know one of my cardinal concerns is how my daughter will fare over the next seven years. Rebellion of this demographic takes on so many varied forms, and while we parents try to hedge up our familial borders with Church and love and correct principles, it seems inevitable that that pesky rite of passage must intrude in our home. Only it’s not drugs or alcohol or sex or tats or piercings I’m worried about– it’s the Internet.
The Megan Meier story has been all over the news, but it’s one story that somehow managed to be a headliner while so many others haven’t manifest anything more than hiccups in local editions. Kids– teens– are building their social structures around the Web: Texting, IMing, webcams, YouTube, MySpace– outlets where an otherwise shy, insecure, quiet or unpopular kid can re-invent themself and affect a glamorous and cool persona; or where an outgoing, social kid can jump out there and find everything that’s the rage. As we once slapped photos and exclamations of graffiti up on our school lockers and inked our jeans, today’s teen experiments with his/her identity for the world to see. Bold expressions of sexuality and hate pervade in our kids’ bedrooms–not from invasive adult sites but from each other; cyber-bullying takes the cruel ritual of preying-upon from the schoolyard into the once-sheltered safety of the home. Children are confiding their fears and secrets to, literally, virtual strangers, spending hours with them while their families are shut out, throwing their emotions into high gear and allowing themselves to be manipulated by the intensity of the experience.
Church leaders speak much of the Internet in terms of pornography, infidelity and gambling, usually aiming their remarks at the adults. When they speak of the children’s exposure, though, they touch on time spent on video games and improper sites kids are exposed to, but an initial search doesn’t reap much regarding the allure of acceptance and inclusion of cyber-friends and manufactured drama that can lead to real-life tragedy.
Recently, Frontline aired a powerful documentary on the study of the growing infestation (you can either watch it on the site or the download the transcript, which should be available by Jan. 29). Surprisingly, the threat of online predators is not as prevalent as the threat of peers. Children are being introduced to hip alternative lifestyles, such as the “Anas”– clandestinely anorexic girls who affirm that “thin is in,” and suicide support groups (as in, let’s support each other to kill ourselves). No doubt there’s something going on with the kids in the first place to fall in with such groups, or fall victim to such ends. But to know there’s such readily available affirmation is terrifying.
Certainly I don’t worry that my little girl will gravitate to such extremes. She’s surrounded by positive influences and activities, and all her close friends share her values. But I can still remember what it’s like to have teenage moods and feel like everything is so serious. So I’m caught in the dilemma of policing vs. respecting trust & agency. The time for action isn’t here yet, thank goodness. The only time she goes on the Internet now is to dress up cyber dolls while she’s on the phone with her friend. There are parents who have no problem making their kid keep his door open while he’s online, or investigating what she’s doing every time they enter the room, or keeping the computer in the family room just to make sure no shenanigans are going on. But I have a problem with it. I’d like to know when my daughter puts up a Web page, yes, and I would like to see it out of support and curiosity, but I don’t want to monitor her every entry and encounter. Part of me feels if I start demonstrating suspicion and distrust, she’ll be less apt to be open.
So, if I’m so respectful and trusting, what am I stressing about, right?
This is where the Holy Ghost is really going to earn His pay.
I guess I’m laying all this down now because Miss D is getting close to that stage where she tries to figure out who she is. Not just the “child of God” part, but her personally. And she’s going to run into kids her own age who have “the answer” for her. As I see it, all I can do now is have a sit-down with her about the Internet– its dangers and what to do in certain situations. She’s embraced correct choices in her life scenes, she should be able to carry that on to her Internet existence.
Frankly, I was fine until I watched Frontline. The guy, that grim narrator, really throws gravity into everything he says. He starts talking about cute puppies and you know whatever the outcome is, it’s not going to be good. No, pleease! Not the cute puppies! Change the channel!!
Seriously, though, I’m grateful for that wake-up call. I’ll be digging through the scriptures now, looking for verses on confidence, integrity, how to seek out good things, etc. Keep my baby sweet, grounded and close to the Lord.
Doesn’t mean I’m changing my mind on that mission thing.
20 responses so far ↓
1 queuno // Jan 26, 2008 at 10:48 am
I have an almost-11-year-old, who is starting to think about who she wants to be and is afraid that there isn’t a place for her.
And by that, I mean … she wants to go on a mission and major in either math or astrophysics, and she doesn’t think that’s either goal is something that Mormon girls do.
She calls herself, with pride, a “geek girl” and a “nerd”. Takes after her father, I think.
I just pray she finds her way.
2 David // Jan 26, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Not what Mormon girls do… Whatever gives them joy is what Mormon girls should do. Actually, I think astrophysics is cool, and my sister-in-law graduated in Math and she’s as Mormon as they come. As for the mission, we need sisters out there. They soften hearts where the boys don’t make a dent. I think your geek girl’s going to be great.
3 Jim // Jan 27, 2008 at 2:20 am
David,
The fact that you even think about these things and that you care enough to worry is a great sign, in my opinion.
My wife and I have two kids- ages 13 and 10. For me, I’m not so worried about the influence of the internet. But I do see some signs of rebelliousness in our oldest, and I do worry that as he gets older I will have less and less influence on him.
Being a parent is such an experiment- we just do our best and pray that it will be good enough. I often wish that I could start over but with the knowledge and experience that I have gained thus far.
4 David // Jan 27, 2008 at 10:53 pm
Jim (#3)
Now you’re opening up a subject I, too, have wished from time to time– the “do-over”. Repentance is wonderful, but to have been able to do things differently the first time would have been better.
Yes, I find it tricky and a mystery to be a parent, too. I just try to reinforce support, love and encouragement in her wholesome interests, and hope that closeness does the trick. I think rebeliousness is a natural chapter in a kid’s life, it’s just the KIND of rebellion I’m trying to harness.
5 Jim // Jan 31, 2008 at 2:35 am
David,
After a rough afternoon with our oldest, I had to return to this topic. It seems that I am unable to strike the right balance between “nagging” my son to do his homework (instead of watching TV, etc.) and completely washing my hands of the matter and letting him sink or swim on his own. It’s times like this that I wish we could return to earlier years where he was more dependent rather than being so defiant as he seems to be becoming.
Specifically about the internet, while it is true that many dangers lurk there for our youngsters, perhaps the most insidious issue for all ages, including ourselves, is the danger that we may end up identifying so well with those whom we don’t even really know while our own family members become more and more estranged to us. Again, keeping the right balance is the key, although this also seems to be very elusive….
6 xoxoxoxo // Jan 31, 2008 at 6:02 pm
As a seasoned internetter and mom of two college students (and four younger) I can tell you what worked for us…so far.
In all things regarding our children, we try to set things up the way they work for our Heavenly Father and us. That means there are rules and consequences for actions both good and bad. Good actions (obedience, chores/work done) bring good things (privileges, treats, rewards) and bad actions bring bad consequences (loss of privileges, punishment, loss of freedom). We believe its our responsibility to teach them that this is how the outside world works (most of the time) and how the eternal world will work all of the time.
In this case, computer time is a privilege earned by having chores done, being current on homework etc, and by being a responsible member of our family. The computer the kids use is in the family room and it is password protected, meaning an adult has to be here to log it on, and the kids are only allowed a specific amount of time on it. Homework requiring computer time is to be done first-and they tend to do it quickly because they want the remaining time for gaming etc.
If a child chooses not to act responsibly in other areas of his/her life, they most likely won’t choose to be responsible on the internet and I wouldn’t allow such a child “free and private” access to the internet anymore than I would allow such a child free and private access to a shopping mall or a city street.
To me it’s the same thing. No responsible or sane parent would allow a young teenager to explore Times Square alone, yet the same parents have no problem inviting all of the same influences into their own homes (or worse…their child’s private bedroom-sorry David). I think it is honorable to want to trust your child and respect his/her privacy. It is an entirely different thing to trust the predators and influences that exist on the internet to be alone with our children.
Heavenly Father’s rules aren’t in place to restrict us-they are in place because obedience to certain principles is the only way to real happiness and peace.
Jim-I’ve been there, done that, and I’m still doing it every day with my 11 year old. But allowing my son to do what he enjoys (watching tv or playing video games or going to his friends’ houses) without doing his homework or requiring responsibility first-or imposing consequences later-is not really loving him or doing what is best for him. His future employers won’t go easy on him when he doesn’t do his job or nag him for long to get his work done. A loving parent imposes less serious consequences (like no TV or loss of “fun”) on their children while they are young rather than watch the world and justice impose painful and life altering consequences on their child later in life.
7 David // Jan 31, 2008 at 6:25 pm
Jim (#5),
Yes, I had at one time fallen prey to the allure of Internet connections, especially with “friends” I made in an AOL Movie Quote room about 10 years ago. Getting involved in their lives, finding you have “so much in common.” It’s all smoke & mirrors, and at the end of the day it was just a drug that sloppily patched over issues I needed to address at home.
I understand the temptation to let the boy dig his hole if he’s so determined to, but I’m concerned that might convey– or be received as– disinterest. Whatever is done, it obviously needs to send the message that you do care, and love him. For what it’s worth, I have friends who’ve gone through the same struggle, and in the end the kids snapped out of it. The parents, in the interim, applied a balance (as you said) of firmness and patience. This is the time when prayer is your best tool because exactly what that balance is, I’m sure, depends on the child and the circumstance. Godspeed, Jim.
8 David // Jan 31, 2008 at 8:26 pm
xoxoxoxo (#6),
Good points, and I may very well adjust my position once the trial is upon me. For now, I have a girl that doesn’t text on her texting cell phone. She rarely uses her email, never uses her IM, and the only thing so far that set off a green alert (two steps from red) was when she went to YouTube on her own to watch Rocky Horror’s “Time Warp” after I showed it to her several weeks before (she was surprised when I expressed mild concern).
As for the principle of rewards & consequences, we’re on the same page there, skippy. Dinner, homework, piano and cello before TV and computer. Our one computer is in our office (I’m thinking about getting her an iMac for her 12th birthday– yikes, right?) and I never get requests for closed doors or privacy, so, so far, clear skies.
Bear in mind, I did come from a permissive home and like to keep the leash long n’ loose. I’m sure I’ll rein in as Miss D’s online activity expands, but so far her only visit to Time Square has been with her parents (Christmas in New York… *sigh*).
9 xoxoxoxo // Feb 1, 2008 at 12:37 am
Cello? That’s child abuse right there mister! *G* So is subjecting the child to a “Mac” but I have no stewardship there at all. *BG*
Um…since I’m only on the outside looking in…I found it hilarious (and maybe ironic in a way you might want to consider) that the whole episode with your daughter over Rocky Horror seems to have gone ‘whoosh’ over your head. (I hope you read this with a grain of salt…)
Going to YouTube with your daughter to view the video equates in child thinking to “My dad thinks this website is ok for me to watch videos on”. So of course she was surprised when you expressed mild concern later-and probably confused.
Your daughter sounds like a great kid with a lot going for her, really. And you sound like a great dad. I just want to warn you that it is far easier to allow them more space and privacy a little at a time as they grow older, than it is to try to reign them in after they’ve grown used to doing things a certain way and feel like they are being treated unfairly when their options seem to be more limited the older they get.
It’s really none of my business (and you don’t have to answer. Plus your definition of “permissive” might be totally different than mine) but I am curious…do you feel that growing up in a “permissive” household prepared you well to enter the world and fend for yourself successfully?
How did you respond to authority figures and responsibility?
Were your relationships with others healthy and stable? (meaning not self oriented, both partners contributing and benefiting equally etc.)
Did you have a good handle on working hard to provide the things you needed, putting off “wants” until you could afford them etc?
And did you ever use the permissiveness to your own advantage without your parents knowing?
Just some thoughts….
10 Jim // Feb 1, 2008 at 5:22 am
xoxoxoxo (#6),
Thank you for your comments. I especially like the focus on consequences for choices/actions. Obviously this is something that I try to instill, but I do honestly think that too often we “cave” and allow the reward when it wasn’t deserved or withhold the “punishment” when it was deserved. In the teaching of consequences, I believe mother and father need to show a consistent, united front, and this, too, is something that has been lacking. Certainly there is much room for improvement in my parenting skills, but unfortunately, as our kids get older, I feel as though I have less and less of an opportunity to influence them. Maybe I’ll get it right by the time they are ready to leave home!
By the way, you must be the same xoxoxoxo that made comments a few weeks ago at BCC about stewardships.
David,
Thank you too for your comments. Of course loving is the key. And I think the trick is to learn to love unconditionally. You seem to like to read- by chance have you read Ester Rasband’s book titled “The Myth of Self Esteem”? It has some great insights, in my opinion, on these aspects of parenting.
Anyway, thank you both. These types of exhanges are really beneficial to me, and I appreciate your input.
11 xoxoxoxo // Feb 1, 2008 at 5:52 am
Jim-
I try to avoid commenting on BCC whenever possible-against doctors orders. *g* But it could have been me-I’m hopelessly consistent about gospel topics (which equates with boring and naive to certain crowds.) One of David’s comments got me to follow his link and I enjoy reading his blog. Does that count for or again’ me?
12 David // Feb 1, 2008 at 6:59 am
xoxoxoxo,
When Miss D. and I went to YouTube that first time, I did tell her the site contained a lot of adult and improper stuff (puh-leez), and she could only look at clips she knew were safe. In fact, “Time Warp,” “Walk Like an Egyptian” and “Vacation” (Go-Go’s) are really the only ones she’s revisited (incidentally, the only other Rocky Horror clip I showed her was “Hot Patootey, Bless My Soul”).
Miss D. would agree with you about the cello being child abuse. The iMac, however, is where you’d probably part ways.
Your advice on the freedom we allot (mostly me) makes sense. I think at this stage I’d be inclined to start putting up barricades when D tries to push the envelope. Like I said, she isn’t one for seeking privacy or space just yet. She does get a kick out of leaving us in the grocery store to explore other aisles by herself, which just freaks me out, and I always clandestinely keep an eye on her. My wife isn’t as open to negotiation as I am. Which brings me to your questionnaire:
About entering the world and fending for myself successfully. Let me throw out a few things and if I totally missed the boat on your question, feel free to toss me a follow-up. My take on “permissive” is, I was allowed to do a lot of things– some I will never let my daughter do, or even tell her about until she’s grown up. Even so, I was always on the honor roll, never did drugs, had my first real job when I was 15. Did my home life prepare me? Probably not for a conventional embarkation. My career after college wasn’t at all that linear– I wore a lot of hats, mostly in the film industry– but after 10 years, I moved to the corporate sector and am now button-down (externally anyway). I think my smarts and adherence to the Church offset the lack of domestication.
I was very openly deferential to authority growing up (remember the AP?). Responsible? Well, let’s say some things took and some didn’t. The piano lessons, they didn’t take. Work, homework, I was always responsible there. I wasn’t exactly a model for a New Era story, but I wasn’t a slouch.
Relationships. I’m less self-centered these days. I didn’t get out on my own between mission and marriage, and it was easy to be indulgent and self-serving at the same time. At 21 I was ill-equipped to be in a relationship. That guy doesn’t exist anymore. It was a tough road to get to my present marriage. 18 years now; I must have learned something.
I always worked hard to provide for my needs, but I can’t say I always waited for my wants. Again, that David sleeps with the fishes. Ancient history.
Okay, here we go… Did I use the permissiveness to my advantage without my parents knowing? Constantly, from age 12 to 15. The stuff I could share. Luckily, by 15 I started running with a different crowd and concentrated on an active social life in school. No doubt, an angel was watching my back.
And you, skippy? Did you eat all your vegetables and always go to bed right on time, metaphorically speaking? What led you to this line of questioning?
Just curious. You can email me if you’d prefer.
13 xoxoxoxo // Feb 1, 2008 at 8:49 pm
David,
What led me to that line was the assumption that since you are raising your daughter in the same “permissive” way you were raised, it must have influenced you for the better (as a person) or you wouldn’t be repeating the process.
Obviously your parents were happy that you got good grades (or at least did your best), participated in Church activity, and were drug-free etc-so they had no reason to be “less permissive” with you, but according to you-you also took advantage of their trust and oblivion. Just want you to consider that your own sweet daughter might be well inclined to do the same as she gets older.
You might also want to consider the fact that there was no “internet” or texting or cell phones during our teen years…how would those have played a role in your teen life/actions/decisions/social life?
To me, the ability to engage in healthy relationships is far more important than what career one chooses or what kind of student they are. And it sounds like because of the way you were raised that you had no idea how to sacrifice for others, how to put someone else first, how to give rather than just receive. When everything is handed to you easily-you take it for granted-come to expect it. And it kills relationships.
As for myself, I’m not sure I would define my teen years as being parented by “strict” parents-although my younger years were. My parents were hard working, blue collar, post depression era folks who divorced when I was 11. My mom starting working outside the home on top of dealing with physical illness and depression. Living in a quiet “country” place-I safely came home alone -but I was expected to do my chores and homework before she came home. My much older brothers and sisters whine (to this day) that Mom was much more lenient with me and that I had all kinds of privileges that they didn’t have-but I also took on a much more “adult” role in the house than they did: grocery shopping, cooking, nursing Mom after several painful surgeries and enduring my parents battling what felt like constantly over custody.
I started working at 14 for my own spending money, and left home after graduation at 17 to “see the world”. As my Mom saw my independence growing and felt me making plans of my own for the future-she started to pull back, lay down the law, restrict my freedoms-which I resented because for years things had not worked that way. After all, I had good LDS friends, worked on the student body council, never did drugs etc, and lived in a place where late night partying meant TPing the Seminary teacher’s house and watching “MTV” at the ONLY house in the neighborhood that actually had a satellite dish. I made some stupid decisions, but most of them my Mom never knew about, and it seriously affected our relationship to have her attempt to be a stricter parent as I got older. I felt that I was more responsible/deserving of freedom than I had been when I was younger-even if I was being “stupid”, and I pulled away harder and faster. Does that make sense? That’s what I wanted you to consider about your own daughter.
For the record I actually liked SOME veggies back then (many more now) but was rarely in bed on time-at least not after I got my driver’s license!
With our own teen daughters, we have always given them responsibilities/chores and as they grew up, the compensation for doing those things well has changed from a small allowance, to car privileges, to cell phones etc, but they didn’t get cell phones until they actually NEEDED them-late Jr.High years-to ASK for permission to go out with friends, stay after school, or get rides to and from work. They got access to OUR cars at 16 if they were free and IF their grades/chores were done. They also had to pay their portion of the car insurance and for their own gas. (We are MEAN parents-but we feel that grown up perks come with grown up behavior-and we want our kids ready to support themselves when they leave home, just in case they have to.)
Our girls were stellar students, active in school and Church callings, and had active and positive social lives-but we always knew where they were and who they were with and they had curfews when most of their friends didn’t.
The younger of the two adopted a “troubled” younger girl right before senior year and attempted to save her by being her friend, accepting her (and her lifestyle) as ok etc and we saw some changes in her for the worse. We had a kindly talk about the situation and welcomed this girl into our home and family when she needed it, but our daughter’s behavior started to mimic this girls more than we liked. When we discovered that she was sloughing some of her classes (while still getting A’s) to leave school with “Karen” (not her real name)-driving our car-we didn’t hesitate, or negotiate, or even warn her. She simply lost access to the car because she was not using it in a way we found acceptable.
Yes, she was livid. But she was also guilty. And we have taught her well that EVERY action has a consequence-and that while we get to choose our actions-someone else usually determines the consequences. She and I went rounds. We fought-hard. And then one night I told her something that she didn’t expect to hear. I told her “I love you enough to LET you hate my guts if need be. I love you enough for BOTH of us. I have no problem trading your love for your safety. “Karen’s life is screwed up because her Mom feels guilty and gives in to Karen whenever she cries or throws a fit. She cares more about how Karen feels about her, than she does about how Karen is living her life. I choose to love you differently. I think that your actions and the decisions you make right now are far more important than how you might feel about me right now. So if the price to keep you safe and on a course of integrity without regrets later on is to lose your love and friendship-I accept.”
She was stunned…and then she started crying. And then I did. And then we hugged for a really REALLY long time. And things changed. She pulled away from Karen (which resulted in her old-”good”friends returning), she was called to be on the Seminary Council, she grew and blossomed, earned a full scholarship to college.
She’s 18 and a half now and just passed her CNA test. She works in an Elder Care facility and attends college full time and is an amazing (and sickeningly beautiful-and thus chased after) young woman. And she never did end up hating me after all.
Makes me think about Heavenly Father and how much He loves us no matter how we feel about Him in return.
14 Jim // Feb 1, 2008 at 11:54 pm
xoxoxoxo: I realize that your last comments were directed to David, but I enjoyed your thoughts and experience on parenting. As I mentioned earlier, I, and I believe many parents, may initially have good intentions to provide structure and discipline, but too often we “cave.” It’s the easy way. We sacrifice long-term joy (and many other blessings) for short-term “contentment.” It doesn’t make sense, but I believe this is far too common (at least in my own life).
I believe that we humans are prone to become creatures of habit and that we often say, think, feel, and do things without even thinking about them or realizing that we have a choice. Does that make sense? These habits become so ingrained in our nature that they are difficult to change. Fortunately we have the Savior and the ability to repent.
Love is an interesting thing. When they are young, children seem to love others so effortlessly. It just flows from them. Some adults are this way, but for many, as we get old, I think we forget how to love others “as is.” We begin to expect love (or other things) in return, and when it doesn’t happen, we begin to withhold our love. It is an amazing act of love to tell your child that you love him/her so much that it doesn’t matter if they love you or not. It is energizing and liberating to receive this kind of pure love.
I agree- this is how Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love us, and this is the kind of love we need to have for others, especially our family.
15 David // Feb 2, 2008 at 1:37 am
xoxoxoxo,
I applaud your conscious and prayerful efforts with your kids. I especially liked the story about your 18-year old. It sounds like your methods have been working grandly.
It was also interesting to hear about your own life growing up and the suggestions you sent my way. They’ve left me pensive and more sensitive to my own permissive parameters.
I apologize if I gave you the impression that I am– or am intending to– raise Miss D applying the same laxity I grew up with. There’s no way I’d give her the same leeway I had; 1) Because she’s a girl, 2) Our beliefs pre-empt some of the things I did and 3) Some of the stuff I was allowed to do was just plain dumb. Case in point: My dad bought me an old pickup truck when I was 15 and I drove it without a license for a year. The reason why I was so able to take advantage of my parents’ trust & oblivion was, I was practically a latch-key kid, although my parents were home. They didn’t take steps to get involved in my life, or fill it with extracurricular activities, chores, etc. As long as I was entertaining myself and no angry parents or cops were calling, and as long as my grades were “up there,” what’s the fuss, right?
On the contrary, we fill D’s calendar with edifying activities and rituals, we have weekly family excursions and we talk about how our day went. We’ve taught her to be a good communicator (lately she’s been communicating with a vengeance) and we give her a lot of opportunities to perform service.
Not that the T family is ready to be translated anytime soon. Last Saturday my daughter was getting ready to spend the day at an auditorium where she would be rehearsing, and then performing in, a ballet. She asked if I’d go to Trader Joe’s to pick up some snacks she could munch on while she was there. No problem, right? I jetted over there, got the goods and came back. A little while later I noticed a half-full Yoo-Hoo in the fridge and asked D if I could finish it. She quickly and playfully replied, “No! Mine!” I said, “But I just ran that errand for you,” and my wife chimed in, “D….”. Well, you should have seen her face. It hit home immediately what had just happened and she broke down crying and hugged me, saying how sorry she was.
I’ve also given you an incomplete impression on my behavior as a young man. I did naturally put others first, because that’s how my parents were. My father was a stickler for manners and, like him, I was (am) giving to a fault. My past relationships didn’t die because of my selfishness, they withered (partly) because I wasn’t ready for them. I never really struck out on my own and I didn’t date a lot before my mission– I hung out with my guy & gal buds. I should have given myself a good couple of years before I courted, but it was so easy for this RM to get married!
I don’t know how I would have fared as a teen with all those gadgets you mentioned. Pretty much like I did, I think. As you said, I believe the upbringing I received left some benefits, too. Despite its flaws, it weaved subtle characteristics into my personality I can’t firmly identify, that have been helpful today.
Nevertheless, I do think about Heavenly Father’s hand in my life– how many bullets He helped me dodge, how many chances He gave me to wise up, how He led me to where I am now– and I thank Him every morning, night and in-between.
16 xoxoxoxo // Feb 4, 2008 at 2:38 am
David-
All you said prior was that you were raised in a permissive household and that the “leash” you kept on your daughter was “long and loose”. Thanks for providing more background, even if private and really none of my nosey business!
There is much I can (and hope to) learn from the way you are raising your daughter. I love it that you give her regular opportunities to perform service and take the time to catch up on her life and thoughts. With six kids ranging in age from 19 to 4-our days are so hectic (and we DON’T fill them with a ton of activities either) that sometimes I have to call my older daughters on their cell phones because I haven’t actually SEEN them for days! (they often leave for work school before humans should be awake and come home after the “old fogies” have crashed for the night).
The experience you related about the Yoo-Hoo says much about the amazing job you and your wife are doing as parents. Let me tell you how that event would have played out here…
“Hey, can I finish the rest of this Yoo-Hoo”?
“NO!!! It’s MINE.”
“But who paid for it? The least you could do is share.”
Depending on the specific child-insert wrestling match, game of keep away, or the snatching and guzzling of said drink from parent with absolutely no remorse at all. If even remotely noting the expression of said parents being disappointed, thirsty, or just offended-a rare thing-child would then go “Whaaaaaaaat??? You didn’t really want my GERMS anyway did you?” etc.
The simple fact that your daughter TEASED you about it, and then apologized for even saying no in a teasing way-speaks VOLUMES about the kind of child you are raising. Bravo good sir!
17 xoxoxoxo // Feb 4, 2008 at 3:03 am
Jim,
I am totally with you on that ingrained habit mentality. I think while much of our parenting is the result of the examples of our parents, that most of us want to keep the good things they taught us and do better in their “off ” areas with our own children. I think we ALL have good intentions. We love our children and we certainly don’t want to harm them or allow them to suffer. But daily life sometimes overwhelms our best intentions and we find ourselves taking the course of least resistance…hoping it is also the course of least therapy in the future! lol
I think something that struck me when I read your response was that a lot of us grew up thinking (or adopted this mentality later in life) that “love” equates with being “given” things by those who love us. Money, gifts, permission or privileges, whatever it is that we “want”. I don’t think it is always a conscious mentality-although I know children who vocally put it out there-I think sometimes it’s more of a perception we have. For example “If you LOVE me, you’ll let me go to this concert…” “If you LOVE me-you won’t make me do my homework because it makes me angry/frustrated/bored etc.”
I think immature human beings often equate doing anything that they don’t want to do-or not being allowed to do or have something that they want-with not being loved. They feel like if their parents are a party to anything that is uncomfortable, difficult or painful in their lives, that their parents must not love them at all…or at least must not CARE much for them-because every commercial, or ad, or book seems to illustrate that “real love” is happy and warm and uplifting and generous. Love is the opposite of pain and anger and frustration-so if any encounter involves any of those emotions-or even any of their less obvious cousins-love simply isn’t part of the equation.
It’s hard to teach a child that Satan is all about comfort and pleasure and (fake) happiness because he wants us lulled and compliant and soothed while he’s mummifying us with his silken threads. But as soon as we’re totally in his grasp, we find ourselves uncomfortable, and displeased and unhappy.
Heavenly Father’s rewards are beyond our imagination-”all that He has!” But to gain it we can’t be too comfortable in this world, can’t seek our own pleasure before His, only find real happiness when it isn’t the primary object of our actions.
It’s obvious you love your children because you want so much for them. Maybe you could sit down with your son and explain that it is BECAUSE you love him so much that you can’t sit back and let him waste his potential. Maybe he just needs to hear you admit that when you give in to him, it is because even grown ups choose the easy way out sometimes-even with the people they love. And then remind him like you did us that luckily we can repent and be forgiven when we fall short and that Heavenly Father loves us too much to let us fail-unless we really want to.
You’ve taught me/reminded me of many great truths that I need to apply to my own life. Thanks! You must be a great dad.
18 Jim // Feb 4, 2008 at 6:15 am
xoxoxoxo,
I appreciate your comments and ideas. I had been thinking along the same lines of what you said regarding our tendency to be lulled into complacency. In my opinion, and I realize this is a generalization, this complacency is closely related to apathy and selfishness, and I think these are some of the greatest deterents to personal happiness and growth.
Every once in a while, some event- an illness, a death, a natural disaster, etc.- breaks us out of this complacency, and we experience a greater measure of caring, selfless service, and unity. It reminds me in ways of the “Nephite pride cycle.”
I am glad that something I said may have been of value to you. I have learned from you and David too; this blog has become a favorite place to visit.
As far as being a good dad or even a good person, I definitely try, but too often I find that what I know in my head and my heart doesn’t translate into my actions. I guess “becoming” is a process though, and like the title of David’s blog from Joseph Smith’s quote, it will take a lot more rolling down the hill to knock of my rough, prideful edges of selfishness, impatience, ingratitude, etc.
You expressed interest in starting a blog of your own. I understand your hesitation, but just as you have enjoyed David’s blog, I believe many would enjoy and benefit from your blog.
I have decided to start one of my own too and hope that you and David will visit and comment there. I hope to have my first post ready by tomorrow (it’s too late tonight- I’ve got to get some rest!).
19 David // Feb 4, 2008 at 4:02 pm
Jim,
Speaking for myself, I look forward to seeing your blog. It sounds like you have a good, introspective mind and your thoughts would be of great benefit to others.
20 Jim // Feb 5, 2008 at 5:00 am
David,
Thanks for your encouragement- I hope you won’t regret it.
I finally did start a blog, but as you’ll see, it needs lots of work. I hope you and others will visit though!
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