Rough Stone Rolling

Stake conference came early this year, and it came broadcast. I actually liked it better this way– 15 minutes of business before, 15 minutes of parting shots after, and the body of the meeting, talks from GAs. The broadcast was customized for Southern California Saints, giving off the feeling that the messages were meant just for us. It reminded me of the time, about 10 years ago, when we had a regional conference at Universal Studios Hollywood. At the time, the frame surrounding the marquis was sponsored by Budweiser. So– and I kid you not– the sign read “Budweiser Welcomes The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.” As we made our way to the entrance I commented to a sister how nice it was for the King of Beers to be welcoming the King of Kings. I’m so sorry we didn’t take a picture of that.

Elaine Schwartz Dalton, the first counselor in the YW general presidency, was one of the speakers at the stake conference. She told us how a brother wrote her from Singapore and asked if it was all right to run marathons on the Sabbath. He dearly wanted to run in a marathon, but in Singapore they only held it on Sundays. He thought it would probably be all right, but wanted her thoughts. She told him it wasn’t for her to say what he should do, but asked him to read 1 Samuel 2:30, pointing out the phrase, “for them that honour me I will honour.” She then told us that later when their paths crossed she learned he did, in fact, run the marathon– the Saturday before the race. And, oh, how wonderful she felt when she heard that.

I’m pretty proud that I ran in three LA Marathons (I finished two– in the third, my knee started acting funky in Mile 7 and by Mile 10 it was only getting worse, so I bailed). It, too, is only held on Sundays. I even asked my bishop to bless me the night before each race. Curiously, he did say in the last blessing that I should listen to what my body was telling me. Those words came back to me when the knee acted up, and I am grateful for having such a cool, in-tune bishop. I love running the marathon– journeying through downtown, East LA, Koreatown, Japantown, Miracle Mile, etc.– and hoped to do so again next year. But now with Sister Dalton’s words to haunt me, there’s another thing I have to wrestle with. Darn you, Elaine! I suppose I could run the SLC Marathon– they hold theirs on Saturday– but I don’t think my SoCal training will help me get through the elevation. Maybe if I tightly cinch a belt around my neck when I run.

After Sister Dalton, a member of the Seventy addressed us. He talked about his visit to Alabama and educated us on a plant called a “kudzu,” a vine that scrambles extensively over lower vegetation. The kudzu can be made into jelly, used for medicine, added to salads, used as animal feed… The only catch is, it’s extremely invasive and literally chokes out all the other vegetation around it. Can you feel the metaphor coming? Yup, like the kudzu, our improper practices of time and choices of entertainment can choke out our other vegetation– or in this case, family, church and civic duties. So, before you pick up that Guitar Hero III, young man, remember, you’re really playing with a kudzu. He related a couple of stories and really spread that kudzu stuff on thick. It was like Marlin Perkins from the old Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom shows: “A mama rhino stomps a cobra to death to save her young; Mutual of Omaha will stomp YOUR cobra to death with our Cobra Stomping Flexible Payment Annuities Plan… I like metaphors as much as the next guy, but, please… don’t kudzu it.

The last speaker of the meeting was President Hinckley. He looked great, full of energy. He talked about marriage, warning those exercising abuse, dictatorial home life and bullying. Instead of divorce, he said, fighting spouses should “put the past behind them in the spirit of repentance and renew their commitments. Apologize, make up with your spouses, and move forward.” He likened marriage to an old train, fraught with delays, smoke, cinders & jolts– accompanied by occasional beautiful vistas and exhilarating bursts of speed. “We should be mindful to be grateful for the ride.”

The prophet added that money was the primary problem in marriages (no news there) and exhorted us to pay a full tithe. My family always pays a full tithe– but do I? I mean, my wife handles the books and always makes sure the gross on all household income is turned in. She figures it, she turns it in. And there I am at every settlement and recommend interview; “Yup, full tithe payer, that’s me.” I wonder, will the devourer be rebuked for my sake?

Don’t ask me why, but I sat there in stake conference and wondered: If a man and a woman, members of the Church, are really close friends, and they hang out together, and really love each other’s company, have a “When Harry Met Sally” kind of relationship, etc…. And let’s say the woman prefers other women– has no attraction to men in that way– and the man knows this, but because he’s never felt as close to any other woman as he does this friend, he asks her to marry him, proposing that it would bring the priesthood blessings into her life, and she agrees, and they go to the temple. Now, if they cherish their partnership on every level except for consummation; if they even go so far as to adopt and raise children in the Church and teach them correct principles– everything but that one little thing… does it still have the potential of being a celestial marriage?

And then a thought came to me that decisively smoothed my furrowed brow and set my maelstromic mind at ease: We were having meat loaf for dinner.