Rough Stone Rolling

Now I know how Brigham Young felt when Joseph was martyred and the Saints looked to him for guidance. He didn’t feel anywhere close to ready for the task, and desperately pleaded with God that a leader would emerge from inside. My calling– bestowed a month ago– doesn’t have the gravity or urgency Brother Brigham’s did, but I do feel like a child clomping around in his father’s shoes. The bishop assured me I’ll grow into the position and make it my own. How long does that take, I wonder. I feel the brethren’s eyes on me and imagine them gauging my performance… the lack of polish and natural authority… Don Knotts doing John Wayne.

That said, I do feel subtle stirrings of transformation beginning. Service seems less of a burden, and I find myself focusing more on the welfare of those under my charge. I also seem to have more energy to get stuff done. The one thing that hasn’t changed is, spirituality kicks my butt. I mean, whenever I give a lesson or bear my testimony or am part of a particularly spiritual meeting, it drains me. It’s always been that way. I suppose this should be a testimony for me– I vaguely remember Oliver Cowdery getting his butt kicked from a revelation and Joseph laughing how “Bro. Oliver” wasn’t accustomed to it like he was. I am not a particularly spiritual person, and I envy the stamina of those who can go through it over and over, again.

My lack of spirituality is made up by what my bishop calls “getting it.” I’ve been in the Church auxiliary machine long enough to know how things work, how to act & react in situations, when & how to step up, and how not to confuse inspiration with how things ultimately end up. The politics of Churchdom is, in my humble opinion, a hybrid beast of heart and pragmaticism. A number of times my heart wanted to take a step in a certain direction, but the “way things are” guided me elsewhere. The trick is not to think bureaucracy is overriding compassion, affection or idealism– in this case, the so-called bureacracy is the heart with its head on straight. From experience, I firmly believe this.

There was a time when I wondered why I wasn’t a high priest. All of my friends had already moved over to that quorum and I actually met with the bishop to find out what the deal was. He told me maybe I wasn’t ready yet. I didn’t like that answer; how am I supposed to progress like everybody else when I’m being held back? In retrospect, I’m embarrassed by my performance because, no, I wasn’t ready– My having to lobby for the move was evidence enough. After that I thankfully had the presence of mind to humble myself, overhaul my attitude, and eventually I was back with my homies.

It’s funny, now that I am in a leadership position, the inner pragmatist is a lot more vocal. I think this is largely due to realizing the stakes of one’s decisions. I’m grateful for this lesson.

Meanwhile, Barney stills practices his draw in the mirror.