Rough Stone Rolling

As part of my calling, I get to reach out to inactive members, those who have chosen to either take a break or altogether divorce themselves from the Church. Our records show out of 600 some-odd members in the ward, 400 fall into this category. Before you swoon out of your chair, understand that we have a very transient area, filled with apartments through which souls pass on the way to somewhere else. Consequently, our records tend to be a catch-all for all kinds of “space garbage”– at least half of those 400 ghosts, I suspect, don’t actually exist. They’ve moved on to other areas, leaving their records with us. Nevertheless, we still have to check every one of them out, and dozens of new names are added to the list every month. All that said, there are still plenty who reside here and just “don’t come.”

A lot of the AWOLs have no problem with the Church, they just can’t fit it into their schedules or lifestyles. IMHO, these are the worst kind. Because the Church has become inconvenient for them, they in turn become inconvenient for us, because now he have to perpetually dog them, because they’re still on the records and that’s just what we do– they should know this. Of course, they don’t tell us to stop coming by because that would be the same as saying they’re no longer Mormon, and they’re not prepared to do that (nor do we want them to do that). If they want to stop being dogged, they should dust off their testimonies– or just move away so we can take them off the list and, by not informing the Church where they went, they can enjoy their anonymity. Before you ask why I don’t get with the Spirit and fellowship them back… we’re talking 400 doors. These aren’t a few wandering lost sheep, this is a hellacious bleating stampede.This includes the moved-aways, the not-at-homes we have to return to, the no-shows who “forgot” we were coming over (and we have to return to), the clearly uncomfortables who act like you’re from another door-knocking faith– and this doesn’t include the 10 families already on each of our regular home teaching lists.

One of the more interesting encounters I had with an MIA was, when visiting a sister’s last known address, I came upon a tall, leggy young woman pacing the lawn, talking on her cell phone. She was scantily clad with a low-cut, tied-up blouse, very short denim cutoffs and a Stetson. She broke off the call when she saw me approach and I asked if the sister lived there. She said no, she moved away, but that they were friends and could she take a message. I told her I was from the sister’s church and just wanted to see how she was. The very-friendly girl gave me the sister’s new address & phone number, then looked at me fixedly and said, “Um…you know she makes porn films now, right?” Um…no, I didn’t. That would have made an interesting home teachee.

The most bewildering of the AWOL bunch are the ones who were “offended” by something someone else said or did years ago, and they hadn’t been back since. I like being offended as much as the next guy, but for someone to give up what they have in the Church because of someone else’s bonehead play, well… it sounds like an excuse. To these people I’d like to send a tasteful notecard with the now-popular quote from David Bednar in the last general conference:

“Let me make sure I understand what has happened to you. Because someone at church offended you, you have not been blessed by the ordinance of the sacrament. You have withdrawn yourself from the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost. Because someone at church offended you, you have cut yourself off from priesthood ordinances and the holy temple. You have discontinued your opportunity to serve others and to learn and grow. And you are leaving barriers that will impede the spiritual progress of your children, your children’s children, and the generations that will follow.”

And shame on whomever offended them, if it be an intentional act. We’ve all witnessed pettiness in the membership. The trick is to just shrug and keep your eye on the ball. I’ve visited a few of the Offended in my own ward. They’re all quite old and haven’t been to church in over 20 years. They are cordial, will talk gospel, profess belief, accept home & visiting teachers, and upon invitation present their dusty vows that they will never go back into that building, ever again. These vows have calcified, petrified. They know no other alternative now but these vows. It’s like the mantra in Cold Comfort Farm, “I saw something nasty in the woodshed!”

Finally, there are those who just don’t want to be Mormon anymore, but don’t have the energy to go through the rigamarole of getting their names taken off the records. They hooked up with non-Mormon partners, or they were once caught up and got baptized but are now over it, or they got “enlightened” along the way and now think it’s The Great Lie. My mother, bless her heart, tried for 25 years before the Church finally took her name off the records. She was a good Catholic when she was baptized, but in a moment of weakness she followed my father into the waters and regretted it almost immediately. Finally, she got the attention of a sympathetic bishop and received her official eviction notice.

Ironically, she still asks her home teacher to come over.